Does the thought of one woman controlling another woman's mind thrill you beyond measure? Do your favorite dreams come wrapped in latex or rubber? How do you feel about robots? Here I am. I'm waiting.
I was really worried last chapter. Not just about the characters, but about the story, because the way it seemed to be going, if Shara were really dead (which you seemed to imply in the Peek) and Wizard was about to be taken out, it'd be like the story had been pretending to have multiple threads, but then really didn't, everything else just being about Paul for a second and then being cut off. And I didn't like that.
So, I'm really, really glad to see that Shara seems to have not just more to do, but quite integrally important things to do, the threads running around fascinatingly again, and Wizard did more too and is planning on trying to run (because aside from being worried for her personally, she's also evidence that Sleepwalkers can wake up after all, and that would be obviously bad).
(Oh, and also I did think that really killing Shara would have been a huge waste on Hawthrone's end and didn't like that either, and then that showed up here too, so whoot).
And of course I'm glad on the character side too. I feel really bad for Paul, feeling so much like he has to apologize for things he didn't actually do just because it looked like he did, but I definitely understand where such a feeling comes from, and like it as a character thing.
Hooray for Charlotte helping Paul. That was a really touching moment, building on the 'sister' moment from earlier. While the reaction of the team makes me think about the thing I think of most in non-evil loyalty bond stories - the responsibility of the focus of the bond to the bonded, and its importance. The team kind of failed in that, here.
And ooh for Hawthrone POV. Seeing how much she doesn't want to be imprinted makes me rather hope it happens to her now, which I'm guessing was the desired result.
Anyway, great chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens next!
First things first,there are *quite* a few typos, mostly in the first half, but easily remedied.
This didn't feel so much as a filler for me, as...a really great setup for the next chapter (and the conclusion).
Filler's tend to be...a touch too long and don't really advance the plot.
In *this* chapter, Shara's alive! (/cheer thrall!)
*So* *So* glad she is and that Paul found out because he obviously couldn't live with himself if she was. Add to that that she's extremely bent on Hawthorne judging from her dream, which was sublimely written, how she essentially peeled back her sleepwalking state using imagery of the people she imprinted. Just beyond words on that :p.
I was kinda wrong on the last chapter, because Lefebvre indeed *did* have someone mourning him in a way :p.
My first impressions I took, without mentioning Wizard, who I'm worried for :/, is that Hawthorne actually *didn't* seem to imply or realize that Shara's alive, which might go through her head, or it didn't because she specifically knew about it anyway.
The other thing is...she's afraid, *really* afraid, because *finally* she's not in control, which is almost as good as if anyone under her rule, like Shara, could get just five minutes alone with her.
Also, it seems to be pretty common that after waking the Awake person gets angry at their imprinter.
OK. You were right. This isn't a dramatic revelation chapter, but a necessary for advancing the plot chapter, which is good, because you can't have every chapter blow your brains out. We need a breather, relatively, before the final showdown. One more massive, DAMMIT-THRALL cliffhanger and then the denouement.
I am not sure how I feel about Shara not being dead. It makes dramatic sense... but it also feels like we've been played with.
More typos than usual? Sheesh, I've combed through this chapter so many times, trying to straighten it out! ;-( But of course, that's what causes all the typos in the first place.
Anyway, now I can talk a little more freely again and answer more questions. It was hard, biting my tongue so much last week about the fact that Shara would be back. I kept wanting to tell you all!
magic9mushroom, I can see why you thought the chapter was less energetic; there's certainly less action here, and more exposition. But when I said I thought readers would find it energizing, I meant that I expected them to feel excited about Shara's return. A lot of people last week were pretty upset about her death, and as I said above, I was happy to reassure them.
Anonymous: I feel really bad for Paul, too, having to apologize for things he couldn't control. But I think any decent person in his position would feel guilty about the things they'd done as a sleepwalker. If this were a more typical EMC piece, I wouldn't bother giving Paul any guilt at all (In fact, I might not even bother Waking him Up), but I wanted the characters in this story to be as realistic as possible. The anger that most ex-sleepwalkers feel toward their imprinters is another part of that. It's not a rational attitude, but it's a *human* one.
I'm glad you appreciate the moment between Charlotte and Paul. I think she's a very special character. :-) But don't be too hard on the team; they've supported him all along, in every way they knew how. They just didn't understand what Paul needed in the way that Charlotte understood it.
Uzobono: I'm glad you appreciated the dream sequence. I put a lot of work into that. :-) As for your question about Hawthorne, yes, she specifically arranged to have Shara resuscitated on the off-chance that Paul succeeded in killing her - but since I didn't want to spill the beans too early, I worded the first half of the chapter carefully so that I didn't have to address Shara's ultimate fate.
Sian Pearl: Yes, the final showdown turned out to be so big that I had to split it in two. ;-) "Sleepwalkers" was originally meant to be ten chapters instead of eleven.
It certainly wasn't my intent to play with my readers regarding Shara's death and resuscitation. The plot developed organically. I knew Paul and Shara had to confront one another somehow, in a high-stakes scene. So first I came up with the idea of Shara trying to make him betray himself, then I asked myself what she'd try, then I devised the most dramatic test I could, and finally I had to figure out how to bring her back to life afterwards! I'll talk more about it all in the Peek on this chapter. For right now, just know that I never meant to make you feel jerked around.
There were a few typos I noticed. Actually just one, but it was very early on - "Back in the lab, the geneticists argued while they waited for Paul to return. They had no doubt that he’d Shara’s test" - the verb "pass" seems to be absent.
I second the feeling that this chapter is a bit jarring. More than anything to date it feels like a chapter that has a job to do and is doing it, as opposed to one functioning on its own terms. I suspect the problem of serialization is in place - the needs of the serialized version (big cliffhanger) and of the linear novel (in which the cliffhanger will get swallowed) kind of jar, and the result falls between two stools a bit.
If you decide to publish this as an ebook - and I think you'd be mad not to - you might consider smoothing it out a bit and setting up the survival on the other end. I think once this is done being serialized the flow will probably be more valuable than the cliffhanger.
Well you see, thrall, a) I'd guessed Shara would be back, b) I don't really care about Shara. She hasn't really made much of an impact, as a character, the way Paul and Wizard have.
Thanks for catching the typo, Aaronhalt. I've decided to go back through the chapter tonight and fix that and any others I catch, then resubmit to Simon. I always imagine him rolling his eyes at me when I do that, but he never says anything. ;-P
I see what you're saying about the chapter not entirely working as part of a serial, and I agree that it'll flow more smoothly as part of a whole when I publish it as an e-book.
magic9mushroom, I get your point, but I don't know what to say about it other than that I hope the last two chapters will change your mind about Shara. If they don't, ah well, I can't please everyone all the time. ;-)
Thrall, first off, thanks...this (novel) has grown & ranks with me as great as anything I've seen/read on the EMCA , Or any good movie of mind control/possession/moral change/corruption...you name it. I have observed that a lot of guests comments are geared toward criticizm of the grammatical errors made first, & not the crux of the story...although they should be pointed out, i just want to compliment you on this story, even though i don't know the ending? I'm hooked enough to see it through. I was relieved when i found that Shara was saved, to me she was very valuable on both ends of the spectrum, as well as being Paul's backbone, also wizard is invaluable to the story as well, i (still) hope she sees it to the end...that all being said? i for one don't feel like I've been shortchanged as a reader, & i DO feel the effort you've put in it as a author....just thanks!..
After a second read through, Paul's message was really poignant in that it 180'd Shara from "I hate you Paul." to "I love you Paul." just *visually*.
Also, I think she's just as integral to the story as Paul or Wizard is really, without *her* Paul & co would have potentially gotten to the *doorstep* of Hawthorne but she'd still be unreachable for the most part, if ignorant of something being wrong.
So Shara was instrumental in driving the plot, because without her there's no Wizard in Mount Weather and without Wizard yada yada.
On top of that, she's the key obviously to Hawthorne, so she's just supplanted Paul (to me) as the only hope that things can work out in a positive direction.
Thank you both, Diana Prince and Uzubono, for getting just what I'd hoped you'd get out of the chapter - and for taking the time to tell me so. :-) Yes, Paul, Wizard, and Shara are *all* integral to the story, from start to finish (although, if you remember, I only dreamed up Wizard *after* I finished the first draft of Chapter 1).
I also thank everyone who's taken the time to point out my typos. I know you're enjoying the story, too, or you wouldn't still be reading it; and I *want* to know where the typos are so that I can fix them. So, really, you're all just making me very happy. :-)
I've just finished editing the chapter again. I've sent a fresh version off to Simon and also replaced the one on this blog.
Darn all those pesky typos, huh? Here's a few other things I noticed (in the new version).
-He manages to conceal his horror and kill Shara, but he knows he’ll Wake Up soon and //will// have to deal with what he did to her
- “But if you’re asking whether the spies //are// //on to// me, they are (not entirely sure about the last part, but 'on to' just -feels- more right to me. And also, you could probably get away with using 'they're' instead of the spies, like in the first version. After all it pretty much goes without saying who 'they' are)
-Shara //fetched up// on a marble floor and felt the diamondoid lift away. (maybe not wrong, but I've never seen 'fetched' used in this way and so my first reaction was kind of like "she's doing -what- now?". Based on the context I guess it's supposed to be a synonym for (partially) getting up?)
-Lighting //light or lightNing?// burst out of her slit and surrounded her.
-Shara //had// been a sleepwalker…and now she wasn’t.
-But given the//n// choice, she’d rather not let her enemies know she was transmitting at all.
Well, you're right about "lightning" and "Shara had been a sleepwalker," but you're wrong about the others. ;-P Maybe I'm using Americanisms that aren't familiar to you (although I don't think "given the choice" is purely an American expression).
It's always hard to know what readers from another country won't understand. And, incidentally, it's hard to write about a character from another country for the exact same reason. For instance, if I tried to write about an Englishwoman, *real* Brits would sense the falseness right away. I threw a few European-isms into "Sleepwalkers" on purpose because it's set in the future and I figure the various cultures will have blended a bit, but I'm generally cautious about trying to write like anything other than an American. I know I couldn't pull it off.
Oh, I do know the expression 'given the choice', it's pretty common. That wasn't the issue. It's just that you wrote 'theN choice' instead of 'the choice' :-P
Well, I don't know how far the balance of power has really swung. ;-P And I promise you that there's plenty of twisting, turning, and general conflict in the last two chapters. Stay tuned, indeed!
17 comments:
Y'know, I really don't want to say this.
But, in the end, it didn't. It didn't seem quite as energetic as most of the other chapters, and felt kinda like filler.
Sorry. :(
(Also, you might want to proofread it one more time, there seemed to be a few more spelling mistakes and such than in previous chapters.)
*Is so incredibly glad*
I was really worried last chapter. Not just about the characters, but about the story, because the way it seemed to be going, if Shara were really dead (which you seemed to imply in the Peek) and Wizard was about to be taken out, it'd be like the story had been pretending to have multiple threads, but then really didn't, everything else just being about Paul for a second and then being cut off. And I didn't like that.
So, I'm really, really glad to see that Shara seems to have not just more to do, but quite integrally important things to do, the threads running around fascinatingly again, and Wizard did more too and is planning on trying to run (because aside from being worried for her personally, she's also evidence that Sleepwalkers can wake up after all, and that would be obviously bad).
(Oh, and also I did think that really killing Shara would have been a huge waste on Hawthrone's end and didn't like that either, and then that showed up here too, so whoot).
And of course I'm glad on the character side too. I feel really bad for Paul, feeling so much like he has to apologize for things he didn't actually do just because it looked like he did, but I definitely understand where such a feeling comes from, and like it as a character thing.
Hooray for Charlotte helping Paul. That was a really touching moment, building on the 'sister' moment from earlier. While the reaction of the team makes me think about the thing I think of most in non-evil loyalty bond stories - the responsibility of the focus of the bond to the bonded, and its importance. The team kind of failed in that, here.
And ooh for Hawthrone POV. Seeing how much she doesn't want to be imprinted makes me rather hope it happens to her now, which I'm guessing was the desired result.
Anyway, great chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Yay for morning reading :)!
First things first,there are *quite* a few typos, mostly in the first half, but easily remedied.
This didn't feel so much as a filler for me, as...a really great setup for the next chapter (and the conclusion).
Filler's tend to be...a touch too long and don't really advance the plot.
In *this* chapter, Shara's alive! (/cheer thrall!)
*So* *So* glad she is and that Paul found out because he obviously couldn't live with himself if she was. Add to that that she's extremely bent on Hawthorne judging from her dream, which was sublimely written, how she essentially peeled back her sleepwalking state using imagery of the people she imprinted. Just beyond words on that :p.
I was kinda wrong on the last chapter, because Lefebvre indeed *did* have someone mourning him in a way :p.
My first impressions I took, without mentioning Wizard, who I'm worried for :/, is that Hawthorne actually *didn't* seem to imply or realize that Shara's alive, which might go through her head, or it didn't because she specifically knew about it anyway.
The other thing is...she's afraid, *really* afraid, because *finally* she's not in control, which is almost as good as if anyone under her rule, like Shara, could get just five minutes alone with her.
Also, it seems to be pretty common that after waking the Awake person gets angry at their imprinter.
OK. You were right. This isn't a dramatic revelation chapter, but a necessary for advancing the plot chapter, which is good, because you can't have every chapter blow your brains out. We need a breather, relatively, before the final showdown. One more massive, DAMMIT-THRALL cliffhanger and then the denouement.
I am not sure how I feel about Shara not being dead. It makes dramatic sense... but it also feels like we've been played with.
But then, maybe that's the point.
More typos than usual? Sheesh, I've combed through this chapter so many times, trying to straighten it out! ;-( But of course, that's what causes all the typos in the first place.
Anyway, now I can talk a little more freely again and answer more questions. It was hard, biting my tongue so much last week about the fact that Shara would be back. I kept wanting to tell you all!
magic9mushroom, I can see why you thought the chapter was less energetic; there's certainly less action here, and more exposition. But when I said I thought readers would find it energizing, I meant that I expected them to feel excited about Shara's return. A lot of people last week were pretty upset about her death, and as I said above, I was happy to reassure them.
Anonymous: I feel really bad for Paul, too, having to apologize for things he couldn't control. But I think any decent person in his position would feel guilty about the things they'd done as a sleepwalker. If this were a more typical EMC piece, I wouldn't bother giving Paul any guilt at all (In fact, I might not even bother Waking him Up), but I wanted the characters in this story to be as realistic as possible. The anger that most ex-sleepwalkers feel toward their imprinters is another part of that. It's not a rational attitude, but it's a *human* one.
I'm glad you appreciate the moment between Charlotte and Paul. I think she's a very special character. :-) But don't be too hard on the team; they've supported him all along, in every way they knew how. They just didn't understand what Paul needed in the way that Charlotte understood it.
Uzobono: I'm glad you appreciated the dream sequence. I put a lot of work into that. :-) As for your question about Hawthorne, yes, she specifically arranged to have Shara resuscitated on the off-chance that Paul succeeded in killing her - but since I didn't want to spill the beans too early, I worded the first half of the chapter carefully so that I didn't have to address Shara's ultimate fate.
Sian Pearl: Yes, the final showdown turned out to be so big that I had to split it in two. ;-) "Sleepwalkers" was originally meant to be ten chapters instead of eleven.
It certainly wasn't my intent to play with my readers regarding Shara's death and resuscitation. The plot developed organically. I knew Paul and Shara had to confront one another somehow, in a high-stakes scene. So first I came up with the idea of Shara trying to make him betray himself, then I asked myself what she'd try, then I devised the most dramatic test I could, and finally I had to figure out how to bring her back to life afterwards! I'll talk more about it all in the Peek on this chapter. For right now, just know that I never meant to make you feel jerked around.
There were a few typos I noticed. Actually just one, but it was very early on - "Back in the lab, the geneticists argued while they waited for Paul to return. They had no doubt that he’d Shara’s test" - the verb "pass" seems to be absent.
I second the feeling that this chapter is a bit jarring. More than anything to date it feels like a chapter that has a job to do and is doing it, as opposed to one functioning on its own terms. I suspect the problem of serialization is in place - the needs of the serialized version (big cliffhanger) and of the linear novel (in which the cliffhanger will get swallowed) kind of jar, and the result falls between two stools a bit.
If you decide to publish this as an ebook - and I think you'd be mad not to - you might consider smoothing it out a bit and setting up the survival on the other end. I think once this is done being serialized the flow will probably be more valuable than the cliffhanger.
-Aaronhalt
Well you see, thrall, a) I'd guessed Shara would be back, b) I don't really care about Shara. She hasn't really made much of an impact, as a character, the way Paul and Wizard have.
Thanks for catching the typo, Aaronhalt. I've decided to go back through the chapter tonight and fix that and any others I catch, then resubmit to Simon. I always imagine him rolling his eyes at me when I do that, but he never says anything. ;-P
I see what you're saying about the chapter not entirely working as part of a serial, and I agree that it'll flow more smoothly as part of a whole when I publish it as an e-book.
magic9mushroom, I get your point, but I don't know what to say about it other than that I hope the last two chapters will change your mind about Shara. If they don't, ah well, I can't please everyone all the time. ;-)
Thrall, first off, thanks...this (novel) has grown & ranks with me as great as anything I've seen/read on the EMCA , Or any good movie of mind control/possession/moral change/corruption...you name it. I have observed that a lot of guests comments are geared toward criticizm of the grammatical errors made first, & not the crux of the story...although they should be pointed out, i just want to compliment you on this story, even though i don't know the ending? I'm hooked enough to see it through. I was relieved when i found that Shara was saved, to me she was very valuable on both ends of the spectrum, as well as being Paul's backbone, also wizard is invaluable to the story as well, i (still) hope she sees it to the end...that all being said? i for one don't feel like I've been shortchanged as a reader, & i DO feel the effort you've put in it as a author....just thanks!..
After a second read through, Paul's message was really poignant in that it 180'd Shara from "I hate you Paul." to "I love you Paul." just *visually*.
Also, I think she's just as integral to the story as Paul or Wizard is really, without *her* Paul & co would have potentially gotten to the *doorstep* of Hawthorne but she'd still be unreachable for the most part, if ignorant of something being wrong.
So Shara was instrumental in driving the plot, because without her there's no Wizard in Mount Weather and without Wizard yada yada.
On top of that, she's the key obviously to Hawthorne, so she's just supplanted Paul (to me) as the only hope that things can work out in a positive direction.
Thank you both, Diana Prince and Uzubono, for getting just what I'd hoped you'd get out of the chapter - and for taking the time to tell me so. :-) Yes, Paul, Wizard, and Shara are *all* integral to the story, from start to finish (although, if you remember, I only dreamed up Wizard *after* I finished the first draft of Chapter 1).
I also thank everyone who's taken the time to point out my typos. I know you're enjoying the story, too, or you wouldn't still be reading it; and I *want* to know where the typos are so that I can fix them. So, really, you're all just making me very happy. :-)
I've just finished editing the chapter again. I've sent a fresh version off to Simon and also replaced the one on this blog.
Darn all those pesky typos, huh? Here's a few other things I noticed (in the new version).
-He manages to conceal his horror and kill Shara, but he knows he’ll Wake Up soon and //will// have to deal with what he did to her
- “But if you’re asking whether the spies //are// //on to// me, they are
(not entirely sure about the last part, but 'on to' just -feels- more right to me. And also, you could probably get away with using 'they're' instead of the spies, like in the first version. After all it pretty much goes without saying who 'they' are)
-Shara //fetched up// on a marble floor and felt the diamondoid lift away. (maybe not wrong, but I've never seen 'fetched' used in this way and so my first reaction was kind of like "she's doing -what- now?". Based on the context I guess it's supposed to be a synonym for (partially) getting up?)
-Lighting //light or lightNing?// burst out of her slit and surrounded her.
-Shara //had// been a sleepwalker…and now she wasn’t.
-But given the//n// choice, she’d rather not let her enemies know she was transmitting at all.
Well, you're right about "lightning" and "Shara had been a sleepwalker," but you're wrong about the others. ;-P Maybe I'm using Americanisms that aren't familiar to you (although I don't think "given the choice" is purely an American expression).
It's always hard to know what readers from another country won't understand. And, incidentally, it's hard to write about a character from another country for the exact same reason. For instance, if I tried to write about an Englishwoman, *real* Brits would sense the falseness right away. I threw a few European-isms into "Sleepwalkers" on purpose because it's set in the future and I figure the various cultures will have blended a bit, but I'm generally cautious about trying to write like anything other than an American. I know I couldn't pull it off.
Oh, I do know the expression 'given the choice', it's pretty common. That wasn't the issue. It's just that you wrote 'theN choice' instead of 'the choice' :-P
The rest I'll take your word for :-)
Ohhh. :-/ Damn, I didn't notice that! Thanks!
Well, it appears that the tables have turned, and the story is rapidly drawing towards its final conflict.
The story could still go either way at this point, but as of right now the balance of power clearly appears to be with Paul & Shara et al.
What will Hawthorne do at her final denouement, I wonder? I'll have to stay tuned to find out, I suppose.
Excellent work so far!
Well, I don't know how far the balance of power has really swung. ;-P And I promise you that there's plenty of twisting, turning, and general conflict in the last two chapters. Stay tuned, indeed!
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