My Coming-Out Story

This will probably be the most personal entry I ever write for this blog, so let me make two things clear right up front: 1) I will not be revealing anything here that could clue anyone in to my real-life identity, and 2) This is not a case of my closet exhibitionist coming out to play; I'm writing this entry because it might be of some help to someone in a similar situation to mine. This world makes it very, very hard to be a sexual minority; we all need to support each other as best we can. That being said....

As I've mentioned before, I didn't discover I was a lesbian until I was 31 years old. In a way that was a blessing, because high school was hellish enough for me without that added weight on my shoulders. But frankly, I don't see how I could have processed the truth at that stage of my life anyway. I was brought up in a fundamentalist household and always felt strongly pressured to be as good/obedient/perfect as possible (which is probably a big reason I'm so into MC, but that's another story). Most of the fundamentalism came from my father, who dropped out of the picture before I hit my teens; after that, my religious world gradually started to open up, but I was still trying hard to be a good little fundamentalist well into my early 20's, and good little fundamentalists just weren't gay - or so I thought at the time. I've since encountered several.

Anyway, I sailed through my college years and early twenties on a tide of blissful ignorance, always looking for Mr. Right and never finding him - and always being amazed at how quickly my friends gave in to sexual pressure when I wasn't even seriously tempted. Eventually I began to wonder if I was a) not psychologically ready for a mate, and/or b) just plain frigid.

Meanwhile, the older I got, the more I began to question the most basic tenet of fundamentalism: that the Bible is inerrant. A big reason for the questioning was that I was coming into a closer relationship with a gay relative and was trying to understand and not be judgmental; but an even bigger reason was, the more I began to think for myself, the more my heart and mind both told me inerrancy just didn't make sense. Heck, the New Testament actually says - twice - "Slaves, obey your masters."* Tell that to the people who say you're going to hell because the Bible says so!

Eventually I gave up on fundamentalism and learned something the fundamentalists had always hidden from me: there's a very large segment of Christianity (and of other religions, I'm sure) that has accepted homosexuality as a product of biology rather than of sin.

Then came the big moment, a few years further down the road. I was at a very spiritual place in my life, both mentally and physically. In fact, I was actually praying in a chapel balcony when it just dropped on me out of nowhere, like a brick from heaven: I was no more or less attracted to women than I was to men. I wasn't straight.

My first thought was that I must be bisexual, since I did enjoy looking at men and had had crushes on so many of them. And believe me, thinking I was bisexual was frightening enough. I spent the entire next morning expecting to lust after every single person who crossed my path. I didn't, of course, and eventually I began to relax a little.

Then I found a few GLBT acquaintances to talk with, and at last a wise (and hilariously blunt) older friend asked me, "Well, do you like dicks?" That was the second brick. Once it hit me, I saw the truth I'd been avoiding all those years: sure, I liked guys. A lot. From the waist up. But I never got off on the idea of sex with a man, whereas the first time I imagined myself pleasuring a woman...well, let's just say it was a real eye opening experience. Then eventually I had my first lesbian kiss, and that sealed the deal. I finally knew, after all those years, what things were supposed to feel like. Oh, and as for my worrying about being frigid? Not a worry any longer. ;-)

And that's it in a nutshell. I had to leave fundamentalism behind before I could embrace my orientation, but I haven't left my faith behind; I've just become a lot more liberal in it. On the other hand, I do know several GLBT's who've managed to retain a rigid theology and still feel all right about themselves, so it can be done. Here's a very interesting documentary that speaks to that issue from a Jewish standpoint.

In closing, I'd like to offer myself as a resource to anyone wrestling with issues of sexuality and spirituality. My knowledge of the subject is fairly extensive, and I can promise you complete confidentiality, total compassion and open-mindedness, and not a jot of evangelism. Having come out of the background I did, I feel nothing but sympathy for people who find their faith pitted against their essential natures. I want to help in any way I can. So if you need someone to talk to, just e-mail me. I'll be glad to listen and not judge.

*Ephesians 6:5 and Colossians 3:22

There's Something About Somnambulent Brides

Well, I had originally intended to make my next blog entry a very personal one about my coming-out experience, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be a tease again. Sorry. ;-)

When I found this new pic of Ulorin Vex on Deviant Art, it brought to mind this somewhat older pic of Apnea, also on Deviant Art; and the two of them together got me thinking about an aspect of my fetish that I haven't shared with you yet. I love the idea of taking a traditional "white wedding" and twisting it into a ritual that permanently, formally, irrevocably binds a slave in mental chains.

In fact, I used just such a scene as the climax of What Do You Give the Man Who Has Everything?, and I briefly considered something similar for Mirrored in Your Eyes. Sadly, with "Mirrored," it didn't take me long to realize an ending like that would have been more of a personal indulgence than a legitimate conclusion; so I went in a different direction. I hope you liked it, but if you're wondering what could have been, let me share a decade-old private fantasy with you. You might recognize the two main characters from another of my stories on the EMCSA, but I won't name names since that could spoil the ending for those of you who haven't read it yet.

The first two paragraphs below are a summary of several pages worth of personal fantasy; beyond that, what you're seeing is about 90% verbatim from the original piece, written in my first few months of exploring lesbian MC. The biggest change I've made is in the upper- and lower-casing of pronouns; I didn't know about that convention when I wrote this piece.

The wedding is the highlight of a fetish party filled with all sorts of guests in all sorts of outlandish attire. At the stroke of midnight, my Domme walks proudly down the aisle with me drifting behind her like a balloon on a string. my skin is white, my eyes are white, my veil and corset are white. my only other attire is a silver chastity belt.

my mouth has been sealed with a thin layer of latex which blends perfectly with my skin. Everything together gives the illusion that my Domme has magically transformed me much as Laura was transformed in Spellbound, and i am deeply hypnotized enough to believe that this is indeed the case. i am a mute and mindless no-bot with no say at all in what is about to happen to me.

I kneel at Her side, facing Her, while She turns to address the crowd. "Queerly beloved," She begins amid titters, "you are gathered here today to witness the union of Mistress and thrall in the bond of perfect slavery." She goes on in this vein for some time, the crowd eating up her every word. It’s a good speech; i wrote most of it myself.

When She is finished, the ball-gagged ringbearer knee-walks up to us, bearing a silver-studded white collar on a pillow. My Domme takes it, and the ringbearer scuttles out of sight again.

She unfastens the clasp and turns to face me. "Do you, thrall, promise to love, honor and obey me for as long as I choose to command you? Nod."

i do.

"Do you promise to have no will but My will, no thoughts or memories except those I allow you, no purpose in life but to serve Me? Nod."

Again, i do.

"Do you promise to live, breathe and exist only at My command for as long as I permit you to do so? Nod."

I can do nothing but obey.

my Domme favors me with a regal smile, then shares it with the crowd. "As for me," She tells us all, "I promise to command or ignore you at My pleasure, to remold your mind and body to suit My every whim, to permit you no freedom except that which amuses Me, and to keep you in perfect thralldom for as long as I let you live."

With that, She throws back my veil and fastens the collar around my neck. "Rise, bride and thrall," She commands. "You may kiss your Mistress."

Everything below my nose is a featureless slab, but the latex around my mouth is thin as tissue. Her tongue pierces it easily, then pokes through a squib tucked between my teeth and lips. my jaws crack open and She pushes the squib under my tongue, out of sight. Then She turns me full-on toward the murmuring crowd. my new-formed mouth is a jagged hole smeared with blood.

"The first seal is broken!" my Domme announces, grinning. There’s blood around Her mouth, too. "But there will be many more to come."

The crowd applauds, but She holds up a warning hand. "Of course, the consummation of a wedding should be a private affair. And so I leave you to your merriments - and My bride to Myself. Good night!"

Cheers and confetti follow us out the door.

Sweet dreams, my friends.

Lovely Latex Legs...with a Story

This is the first picture posted online of Silk Spectre II, a character from the upcoming Watchmen movie, for which I have very high hopes. It's directed by the guy who did 300 and is adapted from a graphic novel so highly acclaimed that no less a source than Time Magazine listed it among its "100 Best English-Language Novels."

Just a brief little synopsis for those unfamiliar with the source material: Watchmen is a deconstruction of the superhero myth, getting inside the (often quite twisted) heads of a number of costumed vigilantes, only one of whom has actual superpowers. Silk Spectre II is the daughter of a late '30's/early '40's-era crimefighter who used her looks and charisma to become something of a celebrity and groomed her daughter Laurie to follow in her footsteps. You can see pictures of both of them, and of the other lead characters, here; and view a fantastic-looking trailer here.

The costume designers for the movie have updated Laurie's look quite a bit; but I must say, I don't mind at all. ;-)

I am very much looking forward to this movie.

...And Here We Go Again

Just like before, once I started playing with the idea of creating a second page of picture links, I couldn't let it drop until I'd done something about it. So over the last several days, I've been slowly putting together a page of miscellaneous fetish stuff, this time not limiting myself just to Model Mayhem - or even just to women. I hope you'll enjoy.

Oh, and while we're talking about things I can't let drop, you might like to know that I'm still hung up on those tentacle pictures I've been sharing with you and am trying to craft a story around them all. This one, I suspect, will be a long time in the making; but it is in the making.

Another Peek Beneath the Duct Tape: "Raggedy Anne" and "Raggedy Andy"

Well, folks, I've been promising you a peek behind the black-button eyes of Raggedy Anne for awhile now, and I think it's time I delivered.

Honestly, I consider this one of my weakest stories. Its roots are showing. "Raggedy Anne" coalesced around my very first lesbian MC fantasy, which I initially wrote down purely for my own enjoyment. But I'd just gotten started on the EMCSA at the time, and it occurred to me that my private fantasy might have potential as an online story, so I ran it by my fellow members of the (now defunct) Sapphic Erotica Writers Guild. They gave me a few tips and a lot of encouragement, and the result is what you now see on the EMCSA. I cut down on the personal indulgence and tried to add some tension by playing up the "What will Mother say?" angle; but when I look at the story today, it still seems more like a private fantasy than a public story to me.

Still, the doll fetishists do seem to enjoy it. It's on a couple of "Reader's Picks" pages, and I've gotten some lovely comments and reviews from people like Asudem Latex and a few members of a Yahoo group called House of Living Dolls. Apparently I pushed the right buttons for somebody; and for that, I'm glad.

Anyway, this is how it all got started. I had only recently discovered I was a lesbian and had yet to do anything about it (other than freak out a bit - I'm sure some of you out there can relate), and I was still struggling with the question of whether or not indulging my MC fetish was okay. Then I had my first lesbian MC dream. The only relevant part is this: a childlike Drew Barrymore hypnotized me and licked a red diamond shape into my forehead right between my eyebrows. After that, things got stupid.

But I was really turned on by the idea of being controlled and played with like a doll. I thought that might be a healthier alternative to MC fantasizing than the crueler stuff I'd indulged in before*, so I began to work with the idea. I still remember the jolt I got the first time I imagined my eyes being replaced by flat, shiny black buttons. I'd never had a full-on orgasm until that moment.

Well, once I'd settled on the idea of Drew as a fairy child, it seemed only natural to bring in a proud, indulgent mother to congratulate her on her acquisition; and who better for the role than Michelle Pfeiffer as she appeared in A Midsummer Night's Dream?

Then I came up with the idea of the pseudo-heroic boyfriend riding to the rescue only to end up enthralled, himself. Yes, the Raggedy Andy part of the story was there from the beginning; I just didn't write it down right away.

Some of you have probably noticed that the abandoned/captured/humiliated male lover appears frequently in my stories. I think that's just my subconscious' way of dealing with the fact that I spent so many years chasing after men, only to a) be rejected by the jerks because I wouldn't put out or b) find, much to my frustration, that I couldn't feel anything for the really good ones. The things I do to the men in my stories aren't a condemnation of the gender. I like men and always have; I've just never wanted to sleep with one (That early scene with Nan and her boyfriend in Tipping the Velvet? That was me to a "T."). No, these fantasies are simply my way of rejecting heterosexuality in favor of something that suits me far better...and, okay, poking fun at the outdated macho mindset in the process. Anyway, as for Matt in "Raggedy Andy," he's basically Matt LeBlanc.

*Of course, "Raggedy Anne" did end up being rather cruel in the end, didn't it? But I promise it didn't start out that way.

I just couldn't help myself

Remember last week when I was toying with the idea of putting together my own Model Mayhem list of favorite pictures? Well, once I got the thought in my head, I just couldn't get rid of it until I did something about it; so I came up with this.

And what's more, coming up with that one page made me think of all the other cool pics I could link to, if only I didn't limit myself to Model Mayhem and that one topic. So expect more picture lists in the future.

Where Are the Women of Color?

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