All those superheroes you see in movies and read about in comic books, the ones who have so much angst about leading a double life? Well, I think I know how they feel. Here I am, a notorious writer of the kinkiest sort of lesbian fetish porn, yet in real life I come across more like a human-sized hobbit. I even look like a hobbit, if you subtract a few inches and add some hairy feet. I love eating and laughter and avoid risk whenever possible. I'm the kind of person people feel embarrassed to curse around. My boss calls me "darlin'" - and not in a sexual way. I go to church (a very liberal one with a mostly gay congregation) and take my faith very seriously.
But again, here I am, a notorious writer of the kinkiest sort of lesbian fetish porn.
Only four people know me in both my identities: a former girlfriend who quickly got squicked out by my writing; the love of my life, who thinks my stories are hot as hell; and two longtime e-mail friends with kinks of their own. But sometimes it's hard not exposing my secret to anyone else. Oh, I cover my tracks pretty thoroughly on my computer; the problem is, sometimes I just find myself wanting to tell someone. A male coworker who knows I'm gay will point out a pretty woman and ask what I think of her, and I'll have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Oh, she's cute enough, but she's no Susan Wayland." Or I'll be watching a movie with a friend or family member, and an MC element will creep into the plot, and I'll suddenly feel stark-naked exposed even though I'm careful not to move a muscle. Or someone will curse in front of me and then apologize, or gasp when I let slip a "damn"; and I'll stifle a giggle as I think, "If they only knew how I talk in my stories."
For years I've thought of myself as a closet exhibitionist. The fact is, I want people to know the truth about me, even as I dread their finding out. I'm so conflicted that I've even hidden variations of my real name in a couple of my stories (And no, I'm not going to tell you which ones).
Who's Peter Parker's therapist? I need to look him or her up.
2 comments:
You shouldn't worry about it so much. It might help you understand the people in your life. I was very hesitant at first to start sharing widespread, but once I did, it was easy. You start to realize the value of a true friend.
It also comes with a bit of freedom, a sensation you've probably felt before. You don't have to be so cautious around people and you even have people contributing ideas.
Just maybe, you know, don't connect to your resume, LOL.
Dosman!
http://www.stuckposing.com
http://www.freezemodeling.com
This is most fascinating, your take on identity and the roles we play.
I choose not to blog under my real name as I like the freedom it gives me to explore and photograph people/objects I like without raising the hackles of the somewhat judgemental people I work with. It's kind of....liberating for want of a better word.
(Also wanted to say I love your fiction! Keep up the fab work)
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