The worlds inside my head

I'm really, really lucky. My dreams are extremely vivid, generally more enjoyable than disturbing, and usually stay with me upon waking. In fact, I've repurposed many of them for EMC stories over the years.

If you buy the premise of Anathem (which is, of course, fiction), each of us carries multiple worlds inside our heads; and we access them not only through dreams, but also through every use of our imaginations. Neal Stephenson suggests that those worlds can become every bit as real as the one we take for granted, but his novel isn't the first to take this tack. H.P. Lovecraft wrote a whole cycle of stories about a man who enters a new reality via his dreams (In an amazing fit of creativity, he calls it the "dreamworld"). Then there are the aborigines of Australia, who went Lovecraft and Stephenson one better, building their mythology around a dreamtime that's actually more real than the waking world.

Well, like I said, my dream-worlds are pretty darn real, too. And I really wish I could share them with you as fully as I'd like. I try, in my stories, but there's just so much to my dreams - every single night - that I can't possibly hope to convey through words alone. In fact, sometimes when I realize I'm dreaming, I'll stop what I'm doing and just marvel at all the details my subconscious has cooked up: the sights, the sounds, the tastes, even the shockingly real feel of every surface I touch (For some reason, that's the bit I find the most amazing). The only sense typically missing is smell, but I don't miss it at all, considering the wealth of data my other four senses give me.

But don't assume I spend all my lucid dreamtime just gaping at my surroundings. Something I like even better than that is trying to fly. Forget super-strength or x-ray vision; that's the only superpower I've ever wanted. Unfortunately, it's also my biggest frustration in dreaming. 90% of the time, I can't fly as high as I'd like. There's usually a tree or a building or a mountain in the way: something I can't rise above. Then I start drifting lower and lower to the ground, and finally I'm right back where I started.

But that only happens most of the time. Every once in awhile I have a breakthrough, and I think I'm figuring out how to have them more often. I won't weigh you down with a lot of dream analysis (It's a subject I personally love, but I know not everyone else does). Suffice it to say that in my dreams, it's pretty apparent that my flying difficulties relate to my reluctance to cut loose more often in waking life. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I should go out and ingest a bunch of mind-altering substances, have a string of one-night stands, or do anything else that would be harmful to my physical or mental health. No, what I'm saying is that I need to get rid of some of the unhealthy mental habits I've already placed on myself - or had placed on me - over the years. I've been much too rigid in my ideas of right and wrong; good and bad; or even, dare I say, good and evil.

Again, don't get me wrong: I do believe evil exists. I see it every day in the hatred and persecution of all kinds of minorities around the world. I see it in the abuse of power, and especially in the abuse of power over people who have no way to defend themselves - children in particular. If there is a hell, it's full of child molesters.

But let me kick that soapbox under the computer table and get back to the point of this entry. There's a lot of I used to think was evil, that I now know is just a natural aspect of human nature. Variant sexual practices are the most obvious example, but I could give you others, if I wasn't trying to get back to my point. So, how does a truer knowledge of good and evil relate to my dreams? Well, back in my fundamentalist days, I thought that if I encountered a "demon" or similar creature in my sleep, I really was doing battle with evil forces on a spiritual plane (Ugh, that sounds so ridiculous now. Sorry for inflicting it on you.). But as my mind broadened and as I learned about dream analysis, I discovered that these sinister-seeming dream figures were really parts of my own personality that I had refused to acknowledge. They weren't really threatening me; they were challenging me.

And now that I've accepted some of those challenges, my dreams have changed. For instance, last week I dreamed that I and a bunch of other women were taken over by an "evil" force that, truth be told, was really more of a "rebellious" force. I felt so free and powerful, and I could fly just as high as I liked. After playing around for awhile, I flew up behind one of the other women who'd been taken over, grabbed her around the waist, and kissed her long and deep just because a) I liked the look of her - from the back alone, and b) I liked the freedom of being able to do that in public, and with a complete stranger no less (For the record, she was a small, narrow-waisted young woman with a two-tone punk haircut).

Then Monday night I dreamed that I was part of an X-Files-like team that rooted out supernatural menaces.We were going after a vampire-like mind controller (nothing like ours, Jukebox! ;-)) who would drain her victims with a succession of bites that brought them increasingly under her power. I got bitten once, which still left me with plenty of free will, but I used that free will to decide to join her rather than fight her. Everyone else was against me now, as well as against her; but she turned out to be an alien with amazing knowledge and power, and I realized I was on the side of right and my ex-colleagues were on the side of wrong. I also understood that the alien and I would win in the end.

Well, that's some pretty obvious symbolism in those dreams, isn't it? And doesn't it make a lot more sense to interpret them as symbols rather than as demonic forces? ;-P I'm on the right track now, and I know it, down to my deepest unconscious core.

P.S.: The image above is by Kire1987, via Deviant Art.